Executioner Myrion at Dolsene (337.M38)

[suolenkainen]

+++ Under inspection of Inquisitor for heretical references +++

+++ Author being investigated. New revised version 0.9.1 of the truth printed below +++

Myrion watched the battlefield from behind ancient cemetery walls. The planet where they had made landfall a week earlier, had been defiled by Chaos for centuries; a rural planet of Dolsene in Scarus Sector of Segmentum Obscurus. The planet had two large hives populated by ramshackle chaos worshippers. This had been considered a low threat level planet... Until two weeks ago. Inquisitor Lafme d'Shon had been reporting from a large psychic concentration upon the planets northern hemisphere near a rural habitat. The planetary scan revealed a vast complex of sacrificial pits and temples beneath the surface. The main entrance was near this particular hamlet.

It was there Myrion now stood with his power glaive humming and clawed, bionic right foot digging into the soft ground. He monitored the five-man Tactical Squad getting ready to storm the hamlet. His Catalepsean Node monitor display showed the areas in his brains that were de-active - 4 percent currently and 3 percent of sleep deprivation. The attack squad was running 2nd day without sleep as they were hastened from the previous battlefield to the south. The Stormraven gunship had taken some altitude and was prepared to make a bombing run if needed.

Myrion was the Captain of the 6th Company of Red Talons, a successor Chapter of the Iron Hands. It is a custom of the Red Talons to call their leaders either Judges or Executioner, depending of their role on the battlefield. Myrion was an Executioner, his golden helmet signified that, and his duty was to realize the verdict of the Judges. Executioners were the champions of the Chapter leading their men into battle. The armour he was wearing was a relic of thousand battles, worn by dozens of Executioners before him. His glaive was a combination of heavy flamer and plasma powered power blade – a custom made weapon for him specifically.

"Take cover!" shouted the sergeant of 2nd squad. Myrion was back in the present time in a blink of an eye. The whistle of shell was followed by a low thundering sound in the distance. The five-man squad took cover in the old ruins of cemetery, muscles testing in anticipation of the impact. Myrion stood beside a fallen crypt gazing at the incoming ordnance.

"It's going to hit us right on!" he shouted and leaned against the crumbling brick wall. The tactical squad went down on the ground and against remains of what used to be a fence.

The shell hit right on target. One of the red and black armoured Space Marines took shrapnel through the chest tearing into his flesh and armour alike. Would-be communications officer Techris lost both his legs from the blast. Other three of the five-manned squad were only scathed by the blast. Techris was moved against the fence. He was stabilizing his wounds and was told the squad would come and get him. Techris was feeling exhilarated knowing that he’d be getting those long waited bionics to his weak flesh legs. “Too bad my suit got shredded”, he said with a wink. I hope they fix his sense of humor, thought Myrian slyly while checking his dead brother.

"Such a shame a brother goes like this", the Executioner said. He had seen his both hearts stop in his monitor and the reviving system had not gotten them to beat again. "His soul is with Omnissiah now. That one shall not go unpunished." He gave a nod to the sergeant, Iron-Brother Ursic, and the remaining of the squad was back on their feet. "Get ready! We come back for Techris after we get rid of the war engine." He scanned his holo-vision to see the rest of the strike squad; 1st squad kneeled behind the silo with the Techmarine and the Dreadnought. They all had direction how to handle the mission.

They did have a mission, but it was not public knowledge. The Inquisitor had spoken directly to Myrion at the Strike cruiser. "There is a new power down there, laddie", he had said, "and that one bows not to the Emperor. The daemon is an apprentice of excess, a pleasure ghoul. Find it and take the crown it wears. There is much significance to the Administorum in that artifact." There was a rough sketch of the diadem. It was shown briefly in his holo-vision as he thought about it. Ugly as termagant’s ass, he had thought. Horns, grinning faces and skulls infused into a brazen ring.

"Kill the traitors! And find me the Daemon!" Myrion shouted. It was transmitted into the comlinks of the attack squad and he saw heart rates quicken in his monitor.

"Affirmative", responded the late Judge Porthen from his adamantium tomb, "I spotted some movement behind the brick housing." The Dreadnought was toting an impressive flamer in the right arm and squeezing the power claw on the right. The Judge had got bio-acid on the hip and lost his left side completely. This was during a Deliverance Incident almost 200 years ago when he was a Judge of thousand battles – a Chaplain of 4th Company.

Myrion remembered the incident as he was personally in charge of the retaliation that ensued. He had decapitated a hive tyrant with a single sweep of his glaive causing the brood to scatter. That was another time and another battlefield. He had led the 4th company; a full 100 men strong with tanks and flyers.

Now he had only a handful of brothers and a Techmarine.

"Yesss, yesss", echoed the vox. Techmarine Burgina was known for his speach imparement but he said it was a gift from the Machine God. "There isss bitternesss in the air, I sssay. Ssslaanessshi flavour, perschansche, mossst likely."

The 1st squad was on a low hill to the south east from Myrion, the Dreadnought and Techmarine were covering the opening between the grain silo and the grave yard. The 1st squad started running forward from behind the silo immediately spotting the shadow of the beast behind the brick house. They started shooting the corner of the housing, bolter ablaze. Techmarine and Dreadnought both ran forward the house to support the small squad. Executioner and remainder of the 2nd squad ran towards the edge of the cemetery, keeping in cover. Another shell hit behind them blasting the crypt into pieces throwing cadavers all over the place.

"Sir, I see the war machine", said the sergeant through comlink, "it appears to be one of those Defilers." The archaic war machine was in the shape of a scorpion with a huge battle cannon toting from the face of the beast. "It is aiming at us, sir."

"Fear not, brothers", Myrion said knowing that the sergeant did not speak out of fear. "Take cover if needed. You'll need to cross the field to reach it."

Executioner jumped the fence and started running towards the brick house. The tactical squad ran through holes and gates, and headed towards the daemonic engine. The daemon engine aimed at the Executioner. A single, huge shell cut the air and hit the ground behind him. The shell hit the side of the silo collapsing the roof. Judge Porthen and Techmarine managed to run from the falling roofing and were now in the open. They were fired from the building across the field.

Just then a huge winged creature took flight from behind the largest brick house. It had huge omnibat-like wings and it wielded a terrifying 6 foot long sword crackling with purple and lilac fire. Myrion saw the beast and focused on its head with his bionic sight enhancer. There was a crown like artifact on the bald, horned head of the daemon, just like the one on the sketch.

"What are you doing?" the Dreadnought shouted to the 1st squad. They had given up the cover and were walking down the hill towards the daemon, gazing at the foul beast. "Trickery! Some traitor magick!" A spitting sound was heard through comms.

"The Ssslaanessshi god isss known for mindtriksss, I hear." The Techmarine was already scrolling the database for further information and counteractions for that kind of force.

The 1st squad realized too late that the winged beast was upon them. Their war-shout was cut short as the daemon sword swept two brothers to the ground. Their bolters dropped and out came the combat blades. The butchery, and butchery it was, was longer than the daemon had expected. Burgina had time to train his plasma cutter on the beast. The servo mounted tool fired a superheated blast to the back of the beast.

Firing at the beast's backside resulted in nothing except a brief sideway glance although the wounds were deep. After cutting down the last Marine, the winged beast jumped and flew behind the silo leaving the Techmarine in the open. The grunts of the dying 1st company filled the broadcast channel. Quickly the Lyman's Implant activated and the Techmarine was able to focus again. Myrians monitors showed him the seizing heartbeat of the 1st squad.

A group of traitor marines opened fire from the corner of the large brick house. Guns were trained at the Techmarine. A melta shot in the servo harness annihilated the power system and caused the harness to go limp. Burgina took cover in the debris between him and the squad. A high pitched shriek indicated that he was hit badly.

Myrion glanced at the vitals monitor and was relieved that the Techmarine was still breathing and very much alive. He then commanded the 2nd squad to destroy the war machine and started towards the daemon figure.

"I will handle those traitors! Falter, criminals; for the Doom is here!" bellowed the late Judge from his adamantium cage, and started running towards the squad. The same recite was written on the scroll work in his chest. He managed to gout a flaming promethium shower over the squad, but the returning fire broke the pressure-valve on his left leg causing the adamantium monster to fall. He managed to take two traitor down with the flamer but the fall broke the promethium tank of his flamer. The adamantium monster to burst in flames and was moving no more.

"This is turning out to be a dark day for the Red Talons", the Executioner said grimly. He had to focus on the daemon-thing as he knew the Defiler wound be handled eventually. He saw that Techmarine blasted with his bolter from the bushes to disturb the traitor marines now approaching the Executioner. He showered some bolts to the traitor squad and started towards the winged daemon.

The daemon prince had taken flight and assaulted the Techmarine lying in the rushes. The black sword fell on the Techmarine but the ancient armour was able to sustain the blow. Myrion reached the fighting beast and swung his glaive in an arc. He hit the beast in the free hand making it to lose concentration for a moment.

"Come to me, weakling", it hissed in a rasping voice that was a scream and a guiling whisper at the same time, "I'll give you pleasure!" It weaved its hand as he thrust his sword at Myrion. The Techmarine rose and ran towards the Executioner with disbelief on his face. They collided and the daemon got a split second to react. The blade fell and struck the space marine in the helmet. Although a mere glance, the force threw the Executioner reeling. He managed to block and dodge the blows but was driven back to open.

In moments oversight the daemon slipped a cruel smile and lowered his defenses. “Kneel before me, manling!” he bellowed.

That was when the Executioner stroke; first a hail of blows with the tip of his glaive and then rain of bolts from his storm bolter. The daemon reeled and tried to take flight. A swift thrust from the glaive left its right wing in shreds. “Your Judgment is nigh, Night-beast” the Executioner shouted over the high pitched screams. The daemon was screaming until the humming blade was driven to its black heart.

The traitors were shocked by the death of their newly born leader and started running. Techmarine gunned two of them down but had to let the remainder go. Myrion ripped the glaive from the rib cage of the beast and let the monster fall. He had always thought that these daemon princes were hard to kill as this was his first to encounter. In the distance he heard a melta bomb go off and he concluded that the archaic daemon engine was destroyed.

“I go sssee if Porthen isss alive”, the Techmarine hissed. The Dreadnought was still in flames but there was some movement. The automatic extinguishers started to put out the flames. The blackened shell of the Dreadnought tired to push itself up, and Myrion saw the heartbeat on his monitor. “I reckon he isss, Brother Myrion”, Burgina said with his mangled mouth.

“Call the Stormraven”, Porthen said through commlink, “I cannot walk.” The Executioner sent the signal for the skimmer and started to scan the surroundings. 2nd squad sergeant and two marines were inspecting the daemon engine in the north. He scanned the bodies of the 1st squad and saw that 4 of them still had chances.

“2nd Squad! Come give me a hand. Brothers need tending. Brother Ursic”, he addressed the sergeant, “go help Brother Techris and take the fallen with you. Well regroup to Judge Borthen.”

“Affirmative”, echoed the commlink and men were running to their tasks. The Techmarine was tending the Dreadnought and trying to fix the broken valve. Myrion now had few moments to remove the diadem.

The beast was grinning still from the taint of Pleasure God. Its bald head shone in the reddish sunlight making the crown look as if laden in blood. He snatched the crown into his utility container. It had to be sealed so it wouldn’t spread the taint. Mission accomplished, he thought. The Stormraven arrived just then and they fastened the Dreadnought onto its rear clamps. The wounded were carried in and the skimmer took off. Myrion was delighted that they had only lost two Brothers. Their next stop was their Strike Cruiser, Holy Execution. The Inquisitor would be waiting for them…

+++ End of transmission +++

[Remos]

Periaatteessa tarina on ihan näpsäkkä ja kiva, mutta missä konteksti? Kaveri, jonka titteli on "executioner" ja nimi Myrion hilluu jossain jännällä planeetalla vähimmilläänkin jo ihan ***** kaukana kotiplaneetaltaan.
Okei, ymmärrän että tämä on nyt sitä Red Talon fluffia ja tosi hienoa että olet saanut sitä aikaiseksi! (Siis olethan itse kirjoittanut?) Ongelmana tässä pätkässä vain on se, että se ei oikeastaan tarjoa lukijalle yhtikäs mitään. Eli siis teksti on ihan-kiva kahden sivun mätky toimintaa ja (yllätys!) kerettiläisten kurittamista, mutta antaako se mitään uutta tai ihmeellistä? Ei. Tämä teksti on kontekstitta täysin sisällötön ja mieletön, eikä muutaman sivun mittainen mätkiminen oikeastaan lämmitä edes sen vertaa, että viitsisin blogistasi lukea seuraavan pätkän.
Se, mitä tämä tarina nyt vaatisi, olisi kunnollinen lähtötekijöiden selittäminen tai kerronnan jatkuminen niin pitkälle, että syy tulisi sieltä kautta esille. Jommasta kummasta päästä pitäisi pidentää tekstiä, että se tarjoaisi enempää kuin sen turhanpäiväisen niin-nähdyn (siis todellakin, niin-nähdyn) toimintakohtauksen, kun Keisarin pyhät superihmissotilaat, Avaruusmariinit pistävät kerettiläisiä turpaan. Jatkumoa kiitoksia!

The executioner traded towards the beast and blasted away with his Storm bolter felling the icon bearer in an explosion of gore. "I'll be burning that flag afterwards, you scum!"

En ymmärrä lauseen sanajärjestystä. Enkä ymmärrä tekstissä paljoa muutakaan. Jos omassa tekstissäni artikkelit unohtu, niin tässä niitä ei ole varmaankaan raaskittu käyttää ollenkaan. Sen lisäksi yhdyssanat (kyllä, englannissa on yhdyssanoja) ovat ihan päin vittua ja vaihdat jopa näin lyhyen tekstin aikana yhdyssanan kahdeksi erilliseksi sanaksi ja takaisin:

Now he had only a handful of brothers and a Tech marine.

"Yesss, yesss", echoed the vox. Techmarine Burgina

eli jonkinmoista yhdenmukaisuutta kaivattaisiin, vaikka yhdyssana olisikin väärin, niin olisi sitten ihan rehellisesti koko tekstin ajan. No problem, kyllä se siitä.

Techmarine Burgina was known for his speach imparement but he said it was a gift from the Machine God - a mechanical tongue that could taste only bitter flavours, a choice made during bionic process. "There isss bitternesss in the air, I sssay. Ssslaanessshi flavour, perschansche, mossst likely." The brothers had sniggered to his voice only once, after which their bionic implants started to malfunction on every hissing S-sound that he made. No sniggering was heard for years in the 4th company.

Ihan kiva saada tällainen väli-info keskelle päiden repimistä ja sukupuolielinten silppuamista, mutta miksi!? Nyt suuri kliimaksini katkesi ärsyttävästi kun jouduin lukemaan jonkun perverssin kielibionic-operaatioista. EI KIINNOSTA! BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!!

Eli siis tiivistettynä. (1) Kieliopissa hiottavaa, paljon. Erityispaino yhdyssanoihin ja artikkeleihin, myös sanajärjestyksessä on ajoittain ongelmia. (2) Konteksti puuttuu, se ei saa puuttua, muuten teksti on irrallinen irrallisten tekstien seitsemännessä helvetissä Aristoteleen kanssa. HYI! Ei tehdä niin uudestaan... eihän? (3) Älä keskeytä toimintaa perinpohjaisella kuvailulla. Jos kuvaillaan, kuvaillaan rauhassa, taistelun tuoksinnassa kukaan ei kerkiäisi sitä kieltä miettimään vaikka sössöttäisi kuinka vitusti.
(4) Ei huono teksti.

[suolenkainen]

Haa! Aivan mahtava kommentti! :D Otan neuvoista vaarin ja kirjoitan tekstiä uudelleen. Kyseessä on ensimmäinen WH40K maailmaan sijoittuva tarinani, joten palaute on tärkeää. Tästä saisi varmaankin hyvä lisäämällä molempiin päihin tavaraa ja tekemällä erilliset tarinat henkilöiden ominaisuuksista ja historioista.

Suurimmat ongelmat olivat siis kieliasu (hoidan kuntoon muun työn ohessa) sekä konteksti. Annan taistelun edetä hieman joutuisammin, niin ei tarvitse kirota niin paljoa flown häviämistä. ;)

[Half-breed]

Remos mainitsikin jo tarinasi pahimmat puutteet, mutta jätti pois yhden tärkeän osan. Eli tarinasi ei istu jo valmiiseen kaanoniin sujuvasti. Marsut eivät jätä kuolleita tovereitaan susien ruuaksi, eivätkä jätä kalustoaan harakoille, etenkään jos ovat Omnishania ylistävää jengiä, kuten nämä Red Talonit. Lisäksi tarinasi ei mene mitenkään realistisesti. Jos tehtävänä on iskeä ja juosta vihollisen linjojen taakse, niin homma hoidettaisiin joko Drop Podeilla, tai sitten Thunderhawkeilla. Mitään järkeä ensin ajaa vihollisen linjojen läpi, ja sitten ajaa niiden läpi uudestaan. Etenkin kun tällöin haavoittuneiden ja kaatuneiden huolto, ja huolto yleensä olisi vaikeaa. Lisäksi miksi Dredi edes otettaisiin moottorimarssille mukaan? Ei se pysy ajoneuvojen perässä.

Eli kannattaa nyt tarkasti uudelleenlukea tarina, ja muokata sitä. Ei tuo tällähetkellä mikään hirvittävä pätkä ole. Kyllä tuosta hyvä tulee kun vähän työstät.

[suolenkainen]

Kiitos, kommentista. Hyvä pointti. En ajatellut asiaa tuolta kantilta. Mitä kuolleiden jättämiseen tulee, niin esim. Space Marine -elokuvassa ainakin ainakin kaksi jätetään vuoristoon lojumaan, koska niitä olisi ollut mahdotonta kantaa.

Kyseessä on siis nouto, joten paluuväline pitää olla tiedossa. Tämän voisi hoitaa juurikin lennokeilla. Drop-pod.... no, mahdollisesti. Mietin itse Storm ravenia, sillä se kannattelisi koko joukkueen dredeineen päivineen. (12+dredi)

Tein fiilaukset. Yllä revisoitu versio.

[Half-breed]

Parempaan suuntaan menty, mutta kyllä tuossa on korjattavaa. Kirjoitusasua kannattaa vieläkin tarkastaa, sillä siinä on edelleen virheitä. Sitten realismissa mentiin nyt parempaan, mutta pätkä on liian Michael Baytä. Ensinnäkin osasto on aivan liian pieni tuollaiseen tehtävään. Jos vastassa olisi jotain kultisteja, niin tuo riittäisi, mutta kun osasto tietää, että siellä olisi demoni pistettävänä poikki ja pinoon (Jolloin homma menisi ennemmin Grey Knighteille.) ja kaamosmarsuja, niin sinne lähettäisiin paljon isommalla jengillä. Vähintään yksi kokonainen Thunderhawk täynnä jengiä, mielummin kaksi, lähetettäisiin tuollaiseen tehtävään. Sitten itse taistelussa marsujen varustus on oudon paperista. Kaatuminen aiheuttaa fleikan säiliön rikkoutumisen? Miten sen pitäisi sitten kestää tulituksen alla? Lopuksi itse taktiikat jättävät aika paljon onnen varaan marsuilla. "No ei ne osu" ei ole kuitenkaan taktiikka johon haluaisi luottaa, niin miksi ylianalyyttiset Iron Handsien successorit luottaisivat tuohon?