Cypher and The Fallen

[Z7-852]

Aivan ensiksi. Tämä ei ole tarina vaan kokoelma Falleneiden historiasta. Se on tulossa Angels of Purification codexiin ja osana Cypherin ja Falleneiden sääntöjä.
Toiseksi haluisin että jotkut ihmiset etsisivät siitä mahdolliset kirjoitus virheet ja fluffi virheet jotta voisin korjata ne. Samoin jos jotain äärimmäisen olennaista puuttuu tästä fluffi pätkästä niin siitä voisi myös ilmoittaa, jottei jäisi puuttumaan.

At the beginning of the Great Crusade most of the Dark Angels left their homeworld Caliban and joined with their Primarch Lion El'Jonson in his war efforts. Before leaving El'Jonson commanded his second in command and trusted companion Luther to guard Caliban while he was away.

In time Luther grew tired of watching over a backward planet while El'Jonson was gathering fame in the eyes of the immortal Emperor. Mind poisoned by envy and jealousy Luther was easy prey for the corrupting forces of Chaos. Luther became obsessed and his own neuroses pushed him over the edge. Chaos Gods used him and made him one of their followers.
Known for his oratorical skills Luther convinced the rest of the Dark Angels on Caliban that the Emperor had forgotten them and that they had been shamed. Soon Luther implanted his own Chaos-fueled feelings to the minds of the Dark Angels left on Caliban.

When Primarch Lion El'Jonson returned he was greeted by planetary defence system's laserbattery. Confused and stunned by the attack El'Jonson withdrew and found out what had happened. The fury of Lion El'Jonson and his the loyal Dark Angel Space Marines was unspeakable when they found out about the rebellion. Direct assault to the fallen Dark Angels' headquarters was followed by an orbital bombardment that tore the planet apart.

Great Primarch soon faced his old battle brother in a combat inside the monastery of the Emperor. Gifted by the Chaos Gods Luther was a terrible foe and the force of their clash leveled the monastery. Weakened by the bombardment, the planet started to crack beneath the monastery ruins. Luther unleashed a psychic attack that knocked El'Jonson to his knees and wounded him mortally. As the dying primarch struggled to stand, Luther realize the greatness of his betrayal. On the edge of his sanity and no longer willing to fight he fell beside the noble Primarch.

Luther's psychic cry echoed throughout the warp and once again the Chaos Gods knew they were defeated. Frustrated and furious about their defeat the Chaos Gods released a warp storm upon Caliban. Uncontrollable flood of the Warp ripped the space apart and rushed into the physical universe. Rest of the "Fallen Angels" that had followed Luther were sucked into the storm and scattered around the universe.

The warp storm ripped the wounded Caliban apart leaving only the Dark Angels' monastery left, now known as the Rock. Shamed by this betrayal, Dark Angels never speak of the treachery and only members of the Deathwing know the whole story behind the Fallen Angels. But every Dark Angel and members of their Successor Chapters knows that there are still Fallen hiding around the universe, and that Dark Angels can never be pure again until every last of them is dead.

Cypher or "the Fallen One" as some know him is a mystical character. No one knows his agenda but he seems to lead a group of Fallen around the galaxy. He seems to light up hatred and mistrust among people. Only rarely does he instigate the violent acts that seem to occur around him. Rather he is only a catalyst, which hastens the process towards hatred and destruction. Cypher appears and disappears before he can be captured leaving only havoc in his wake. Most of the Dark Angels will do anything, no matter how cruel or vile it may be just to capture Cypher dead or alive.

Along with his old black Dark Angel power armour, devoid of livery, and the pair of exquisitely-crafted pistols Cypher carries a sword that he hasn't yet drawn in combat. Some belive this is the sword of Primarch Lion El'Jonson that was broken in half and lost during the recapture of Caliban.

While Cypher's agenda may still be hidden, his path seems to be leading slowly towards Holy Terra. Some believe that he is strengthening the Imperium through struggle and some believe that he is on his way to kill the Emperor on his Golden Throne using El'Jonsons sword. While we don't know if he's the Imperium's greatest hope or greatest menace, the Dark Angels want to stop him before finding out.

ZEdit: Calidaneja muutettu Calibaneiksi.
ZEdit: realised -> released
ZEdit: Tekstiä muutettu herra Kurimuksen ohjeiden mukaan
ZEdit: Tekstiä muutettu Executionerin huomautuksien mukaan
ZEdit: Tekstiä muokattu Asmodeusuksen ja Ragnatusuksen korjaustenpohjalta. Ehkä oikasti pitäisi itsekin lukea teksti edes kertaalleen läpi ennenkun postaa sen tänne.

[juddo]

Eikös se dark angeleiden koti ollut caliban eikö calidan?

[Z7-852]

Olette aivan oikeassa.
Eli se on caliban eikä calidan... Olen taas lahjakkaasti itse lukenut nimen väärin. Korjataan.

[Anaheim]

Eikös se dark angeleiden koti ollut caliban eikö calidan?

Kyllä minun mielestäni mutta typoja sattuu kaikille

[Wyrmling]

Frusteated and furius about the defeat the Ghaos Gods realised a warp storm upon Caliban.

Kun pyysit niitä kirjoitusvirheitä etsimään niin tuossa taitaa olla yksi.

[Z7-852]

kiitoksia.. noita typoja on näemmä tullut tunteella.
Eli piti lukea released eikä realised. Jos löytyy lisää niin kertokaa ihmeessä. En ole itsekään lukenut tuota läpi kun kerran ja olen sokea omille kirjotusvirheille.

[Executioner]

Frusteated and furius about the defeat the Ghaos Gods realised a warp storm upon Caliban.

Kun pyysit niitä kirjoitusvirheitä etsimään niin tuossa taitaa olla yksi.

Edelleen kirjoitusvirhe. Eikö se ole Chaos eikä Ghaos? Lisäksi ekassa lauseessa tuo "at the begin of Creat Crusade" pitäisi kai olla "At the beginning of the Great Crusade"

"In time Luther grew tired wathing over a backward planet "

Watching.

"The fury of Lion El'Jonson and the loyal Dark Angel Space Marines was unspeakable when they found out about the reballion. Dire assault to fallen Dark Angels headquarters followed by orbital bombardment tore the planet apart. "

Rebellion ja "an orbitial bombardment."

"Great Primarch soon fased his old battle brother in combat inside monestery of the Emperor"

Faced ja "in a combat inside the monastery."

Siinä nyt muutama.

[Z7-852]

Kyllä niitä kirjotus virheitä tuntuu olevan vaikka kuinka paljon... Taas sitä on nopeasti kirjotettu ja keskivaikea lukihäiriö haittaa pikkasen, mutta hyvin tuli ylppäreistä E englannista... (ainakin alustavien tulosten mukaan)

Eli herra Kurimus lähetti minulle YV;nä virheitä ja kaikki muut jotka ovat topicin aikana auttaneet, suuri kiitos teille. Jos löytyy vielä jotain virheitä niin lisää vain. Kyllä minä kestän.

[Asmodeus]

Known from his oratorical skills

En aivan varma ole onko kyseessä virhe, mutta sen kuuluisi käsittääksesni olla Known for his oratorical skills

he haven't yet drawn in combat.

Pitäisi olla Hasn't

Pikkasen kankeeta luettavaa toi paikotellen on, mutta myötäilee kuitenkin hyvin DA:n julkaistuja pätkiä.

[ragnatus]

Hyvää tarinaa.

En sinänsä DA fluffia tunne joten forgive me, jos teen jotain hirvittäviä virheitä. Keksin kuitenkin muutaman kohdan joissa olisi korjattavaa. Osa näistä ei tietenkään ole suoranaisia kirjoitusvirheitä, vaan pientä säätämistä sujuvuuden kanssa. Osa saattaa tuntua liiankin pikkutarkoilta mutta kirjoitin nyt kaikki mitkä satuin löytämään.

Known from his oratorical skills Luther convinced the rest of the Dark Angels on Caliban that the Emperor had forgotten them and that they had been shamed.

Known for his oratorical skills...

Soon Luther implanted his own Chaos-fueled feelings to the space marines on the Dark Angel homeworld.

Soon Luther implanted his own Chaos-fueled feelings to the minds of the Dark Angels left on Caliban.
- Sisältö muuttuu hieman mutta kuulostaa mielestäni sujuvammalta.

The fury of Lion El'Jonson and the loyal Dark Angel Space Marines was unspeakable when they found out about the rebellion.

The fury of Lion El'Jonson and his loyal Dark Angel Space Marines...
- Ei tule ihan selväksi ketä loyal Dark Angels Space Marines ovat, tuo toivottavasti selvittää tilannetta.

Direct assault to fallen Dark Angels headquarters followed by an orbital bombardment tore the planet apart.

Direct assault to the fallen Dark Angels' headquarters was followed by an orbital bombardment that tore the planet apart.
- Siinä tapauksessa, että ensin tapahtui rynnäkkö ja vasta sitten orbital bombardment. En saa lauseesta selvää kumpi tapahtui ensin

Gifted by the Chaos Gods Luther was a terrible foe and the force of their clash together leveled the monastery.

Gifted by the Chaos Gods Luther was a terrible foe and the force of their clash leveled the monastery.
- together on turha tuossa tapauksessa.

Fallen Luther unleashed a psychic attack that knocked Jonson to his knees and wounded him mortally.

Luther unleashed a psychic attack that knocked El'Jonson to his knees and wounded him mortally.
- Fallen Luther jättäisi vähän epäselväksi, oliko Luther jo vahingoittunut taistelussa, vaiko langennut.

As the dying primarch struggled to stand, Luther released the greatness of his betrayal.

As the dying primarch struggled to stand, Luther revealed the greatness of his betrayal.

In the edge of his sanity and no longer willing to fight he fell beside the noble Primarch.

On the edge of his sanity...
- Kaveri siis kaatuu yhtäkkiä vain siksi ettei halua taistella? Kuulostaa jotenkin epäloogiselta, varsinkin kun tarinassa ei esitetä, että hän olisi edes haavoittunut missään vaiheessa taistelua.

Luther's psychic cry echoed through out the warp and once again the Chaos Gods knew they were defeated.

Luther's psychic cry echoed throughout the warp...

Frustrated and furious about the defeat the Ghaos Gods released a warp storm upon Caliban.

Frustrated and furious about their defeat the Chaos Gods released a warp storm upon Caliban.

Rest of the "Fallen Angels" that had followed Luther were sucked into the storm and scattered around the universe in space and time.

Rest of the "Fallen Angels" that had followed Luther were sucked into the storm and scattered around the universe.
- Jättäisin lopun pois, sillä se tuntuu jotenkin kieliopin vastaiselta. En pysty kyllä selittämään millä tavalla.

The warp storm ripped the wounded Caliban apart leaving only the Dark Angel's monastery left, now known as the Rock.

The warp storm ripped the wounded Caliban apart leaving only the Dark Angels' monastery left...

Shamed by this betrayl Dark Angels never speak of the treachery and only the members of the Deathwing know the whole story behind the Fallen Angels.

Shamed by this betrayal, Dark Angels never speak of the treachery and only members of the Deathwing know the whole story behind the Fallen Angels.
- yksi "the" pois

But every Dark Angel and their Successor Chapters know that there are still Fallen hiding around the universe, and that Dark Angels can never be pure again until every last of them is dead.

But every Dark Angel and member of their Successor Chapters know...

Only rarely he instigates the violent acts that seems to occur around him. Rather he his only a catalyst which hastens the mayhem and destruction.

Only rarely does he instigate the violent acts that seem to occur around him. Rather he is only a catalyst, which hastens the process towards hatred and destruction.
- Jotenkin ontuva lausepari. Hastens- sanan voisi myös alkuperäisessä lauseessa korvata sanalla magnifies.

Most of the Dark Angels will do anything, how cruel or vile it may be just to capture Cypher alive or dead.

Most of the Dark Angels will do anything, no matter how cruel or vile it may be just to capture Cypher dead or alive.

Along with his old black Dark Angel power armour, decoid of livery and the pair of exquisitely-crafted pistols Cypher carries a sword that he haven't yet drawn in combat.

Along with his old black Dark Angel power armour, devoid of livery, and the pair of exquisitely-crafted pistols Cypher carries a sword that he hasn't yet drawn in combat.
- Pilkku lisää huom.

While Cyphers agenda may still be hidden his path seems to be leading slowly towards Holy Terra.

While Cypher's agenda may still be hidden, his path seems to be leading slowly towards Holy Terra.
- Pilkku taas.

While we don't know if he's the greatest hope or the greatest menace of the Imperium, the Dark Angels want to stop him before founding out.

While we don't know if he's the Imperium's greatest hope or greatest menace, the Dark Angels want to stop him before finding out.

Itsepähän pyysit.